The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
meow
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.