I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Left at a local drug store…
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.