The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
それは草
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro