Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.