I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
This chloroform smells expensiv…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
A fake ID that makes you younger
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
that de-escalated quickly
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are