Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
my first day as a raccoon
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.