馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy鈥檚 napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: I鈥檓 pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there鈥檚 a baby inside me
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i鈥檓 up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
losing my mind at my mom鈥檚 reply to my insta story
How actors in movies eat their food
The first matador
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine鈥uess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his馃槑