[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.