serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same