I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
🤣🤣🤣
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.