I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Tell the colonel to bring it
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.