Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
huge if true: the moon
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?