Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???