saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.