[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time