I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Wait for it
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?