me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.