Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.