live long and prosper!
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Great game to play with friends
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings