a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: