Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.