Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
this has to be peak English
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.