Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic