Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.