I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.