Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You Might Also Like
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.