Warm pools make me nervous.
You Might Also Like
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You better watch out
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
🙂🙃🥹
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.