The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂