“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Love is always patient and kind.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money