Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: