Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
You Might Also Like
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
SPLOOT
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.