Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss