everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.