A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
life finds a way
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.