[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Breaking news:
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.