Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Always 🥴
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…