Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
How dramatic are you?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”