Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
HERE’S MARKY
lol
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day