The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
just witnessed a drug deal
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter