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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.