Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
You Might Also Like
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
😂😂😂
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I never needed anything more in my life
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.