what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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Room with a view.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Alexa: *deep breath*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.