If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?