I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
You Might Also Like
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
What in the hipster hell is going on here
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.