I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot