*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
happy friday
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: