Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Baking is just science you can eat.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I hate my earbuds.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”