My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Does it…does it take 3 days
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.