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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.