Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.